I heard a fascinating story on National Public Radio the other day. The content of the report was just as interesting as the response to this unique new website. Two friends got together and designed the simplest of sites, with one goal in mind: to give the visitor a little pick-me-up whenever needed. Check out: emergencycompliment.com. The bolded, very short compliments vary from hysterical (Your prom date still thinks about you all the time) to down-right silly (Your dental hygiene is impeccable) - but they’re all fun. If you don’t feel better after the first compliment pops up, you can click to the next one. The piece I found so amazing was the number of hits this simple site is getting: over a million hits in it’s first two months.

Just another way we’re seeing how necessary smiles, compliments and good feedback are to all of us. Over a million people have gone to a site to get a computer generated compliment?!? So, this coming year give an extra push to help someone else feel a little better.

The first week of the Olympic Games had not yet come to a close when two Olympians were expelled. This devastating situation is even more tragic because of the reason behind their expulsion: both world-class athletes used social media to share their racist opinions of fellow competitors. It’s sheer disbelief that I feel at something like this. How could someone who’s achieived this level of success in life and has obviously been given so much, still be filled with hatred and self-righteousness? Also, how is it possible that someone at their level of public fame, feels,that it’s perfectly acceptable to share such opinions without abandon? No one can give us the answers to these questions, but we can try to learn a little something or share some lessons with younger/newer users of social media.

Discussing these athletes and the devastating consequences they faced is the perfect way to talk about the realities of social media with our kids, our students, our neices & nephews, etc. These athletes could be their heroes, and its not threatening to kids to talk about their expulsion because they don’t represent a personal threat. Kids need to know that all that we/they post will be available to anyone and everyone who wants to read our thoughts, and usually these comments are available indefinitely.

Discuss these facts with the kids in your life and you’ll probably be surprised not only by how astute they are, but what they bring to the table to share.

While working on a class project, my daughter asked me all sorts of questions about her baby years: first words, favorite foods, etc. My first three children were born in quick succession and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that those years were a complete blur and that I couldn’t recall a single answer to her questions (although I have a vivid memory of her lapping up one particular soup every time I made it).

She proceeded to ask the question I dreaded most, “Mommy, what about my baby book?!?!” I actually do own four baby books. The first is filled out as thoroughly as I was capable. The second has a respectable number of entries. The third is nowhere to be found (which is the one I need for this child – but I can assure you, there isn’t much written). And in the fourth, I ambitiously, and beautifully penned my daughter’s name . . . and not another word. I hope my now 3 year-old baby doesn’t ask about her baby book; because I didn’t even buy one for her. At least I know my limitations.

The daughter doing the project is amazingly interested in her first words. She wants to know what she sounded like and if she said certain words in a funny way, like her younger sister does. Beyond feeling terribly about not remembering her first words, I really got to thinking about first words in general. At any point in our lives, we can opt to start with first words. If we are people who habitually speak about others (not even realizing the effect these words will surely have on those around us), we can simply start anew. It’s like a spring diet: today I’m not going to eat sugar . . . today I’m not going to speak badly about other people. We will probably make this pledge to ourselves hundreds of times, but each time we do, less negativity will spew from our precious mouths.

Here goes, “Today, I will not speak badly about those in my life.” Wish me luck.

The following anecdote was recently shared with me. A very proper and fine English teacher in an elementary school brought in a cherished poem to share with the class. She’s the type of teacher many of us wish our children had. She loves literature and prose, feels poetry, is inspired by creativity and is able to share her love with the students in a way that makes them not even realize they’re learning and growing.

The day she brought in the poem, it was a busy Friday, and the students were antsy because of the long week as well as the dreadful end of winter weather that had reappeared. She described her poem’s essence – details of spring, and looked forward to “feeling” the warmth as she read it aloud to her fifth grade students. Some of the kids had other plans, and as she read, this small group was uncharacteristically disrespectful and rude. She had a long week as well, and just didn’t have the stomach to go against this tide. She closed her book abruptly, ended the session and moved on. Although she tried not to feel it, she was hurt. She was certain this poem would speak to the students the way it had always spoken to her, and that they would collectively explore it and bask in the warmth it offered. Oh well, she went on, without her usual upbeat sense.

At the end of the period, the class was dismissed. She sat quietly at her desk, while the kids left for recess. One girl stopped at her desk, and said the following: “Mrs. B – I just wanted to tell you what I thought about when you read that poem.” This young girl went on to describe a few details of her favorite parts of spring that the poem brought to her mind after the long winter. The teacher was touched beyond belief, and of course realized that her lesson, and her cherished poem wasn’t lost on the class.

Now this student is certainly a special girl in her own right – but I’m sure she had some great friends and role models along the way. Without even realizing what she was doing, the almost eleven year-old girl, moved a teacher of many decades to tears (of joy). The power of words – it’s so simple.

This month’s message is a call out to the thousands in our SpeakNicely community – do you agree with the presumptions put forth? I know this is a hot topic, so here goes (& I’m using an umbrella to block the cyber eggs being tossed my way):

I often find Facebook posts to be “brag posts.” Although I had never heard the term thrown around, I’m not the first to come up with the phrase. Brag posts can be anything from a photo, or a check-in, to a full-blown brag fest. We’ve all seen them: “Day at the salon with my besties in Switzerland!” “Here’s my after photo of bikini-me after six months with my posh personal trainer.” “Just renovated my 6000 square foot home, sigh, I only wish we were able to finish the wave pool before this summer ”

What’s the purpose of the brag post? I’m the first to admit that I like Facebook & the reconnect factor. But I often feel physically moved, not in a good way by what people post. In the same way that we all have the power to help or hurt our friends with our words, the sword is just as strong with the written word. What about the mom who can barely afford a once-a-month babysitter, reading about her friend in the Swiss Alps? What about the young woman struggling with her weight since early teens seeing (only the best angled of course) photos of her perfect-armed friend in tank tops? What about the family with a few kids living with their parents while the suffer through unemployment?

I’m not suggesting that we not share our good lives and good fortune with our friends. I’m just trying to share the other side of our posts. One good lesson from physics – every action has an equal and opposite reaction – this can also be applied to life. Post gently my friends.

Before you get too upset about the name of this post, know that I am directly quoting the mother who originally wrote this moving piece about her daughter. I have been in touch with Phoebe Holmes, a mother of 4 lovely kids and a blogger (among many other jobs & talents of course). She gave me permission to re-post the following. I encourage you to take a peek at her really funny and poignant musings on her blog: http://www.phoebeholmes.com The following posted originally a few weeks ago, and was entitled “Being Retarded.”

All around me, people use the word retarded without a second thought.  Sometimes, I’ll say “Um, dude, really?” and they’ll say “Oops, my bad!  But really!  I was being so retarded!”

Sometimes, I let it slide.  I realize that it’s a word that’s ingrained in our society’s vocabulary and people use it without a second thought to its meaning. But what does it mean to be retarded?  Well, I know what it doesn’t mean.

It doesn’t mean not being able to choose something for lunch despite 100 choices in front of you.

It doesn’t mean not being able to find your car keys.

It doesn’t mean saying the wrong thing to a person.

It doesn’t mean forgetting your best friend’s birthday.

It’s not something to describe yourself as when you’ve spilled your coffee, or tripped on a crack in the sidewalk.

It’s not something to describe your computer, car or phone.

According to  Merriam-Webster Dictionary  the word “retarded” means: slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or  academic progress

For me, it’s not just any old word – it’s my daughter.  My beautiful, bright, happy, loving, amazing daughter who is slow or limited in intellectual development and academic progress.

In our household, being retarded means something different.

It means not being able to fully care for yourself.

It means not understanding what the doctor is going to do to you.

It means not being able to explain what hurts when something hurts.

It means not being able to ride a two wheeler.  Or read.  Or ever be able to live on your own.

But ever the optimist, I also know that retarded means…

…never realizing the negativity behind the word retarded.

…never knowing the insensitivity surrounded the word’s usage.

…never realizing the ignorance of people.

…never knowing how other people view you.

Being retarded also means…

…loving unconditionally.

…finding joy in the smallest of things.

…being self-confident.

…not realizing that there are limitations.

…innocence.

This is Maura.  Her diagnosis?  Cognitively disabled.  Which means retarded.  When you call yourself retarded, you’re also calling my child stupid.  Because you use the word as just that – another form of stupid. Let’s get something straight here.

My daughter may have cognitive issues.  She may have delays.  She may never live on her own.  Scratch that.  She will never live on her own.

But Maura is not stupid.

In her own way, Maura is very smart.  Maybe smarter than us at times.  She has more self-confidence than anyone I know who’s called themselves “retarded”.  She is the best judge of a person’s character than anyone else I’ve ever known.

Yes, she is slow to learn things.  But she is not stupid.

I know that most people don’t use the word “retarded” maliciously. Most people I know use it in a self-depreciating way.  And when I point it out, they go “Oh wow!  I’m sorry!” and they truly feel like a heel. But the thing is, you’re still using it in the way that people who do use it maliciously use it as – to describe stupidity.

So why not just use the word “stupid” instead?  Because I know what “retarded” is.  I live with it in the form of my daughter.  And in our world “retarded” doesn’t equate to “stupid”.

I’m embarrassed to admit: I’ve been known to watch reality TV. What’s worse is that I watch BAD reality TV about women being really mean to each other. Even while I’m watching, I’m wishing that I wasn’t. Luckily for me, my family doesn’t have cable at home, so I can only use this vice during a vacation. I’m always chalking up the first few days’ obsession to jet-lag (excuses, excuses!), but it is still such wasted time.

The one glaring reality of these shows is the HORRIBLE way the people speak to and about each other. It’s as if gossip is not only welcome, but encouraged. Most of these people may not have ever thought about the fact that gossip and back-stabbing, mean-spirited speech can or even should be avoided. Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t think I’m that naive. Usually these shows portray a life-style that people theoretically admire or desire (why else would the audience watch??); but throughout the shows, I am blown away by how miserable and unhappy these people must be. Most of the time they even seem miserable and unhappy but they go on camera talking about how amazing they/their lives/their friends/their husbands are, and how horrible the person with whom they’re having the current conflict is. I don’t have scientific proof on this one, but I cannot imagine that as audience members, we aren’t to some degree affected by this behavior. If we compare our viewing to a child or young adult in a home environment of constant bickering and mean-spirited speech, the affects would be more clear.

I did get myself out of the rut, but when I think about those shows and the HUGE numbers who watch them on a regular basis (many of whom are tweens and teens), I’m left to wonder how it’s possible for these kids to model appropriate behavior with their peers . . .  another incentive for parents to make sure their home-life reflects incredibly positive speech and interactions with each other, our children, and those we talk about when they’re not present.

We know the old adage,  “sticks & stones . . . ” & of course we know it’s not true. Pain is just as real (or more so) as a result of social aggression as it is from physical aggression & some argue that the pain of social rejection lasts even longer. We even have scientific research to back up these beliefs.
The UCLA Department of Psychology conducted a neuroimaging study that examined the neural correlates of social exclusion and tested the hypothesis that the brain bases of social pain are similar to those of physical pain. Participants were studied while they played a virtual ball-tossing game in which some players were ultimately excluded. Results showed that the brain reacted to the pain of social exclusion the same way it would if the participant were physically hurt. (Eisenberger, Lieberman, Williams (Does Rejection Hurt? An fMRI Study of Social Exclusion, 2003).

On that note, SpeakNicely founder, Audrey Weitz spoke (nicely) with Queens, NY Intermediate School students about the Power of Words. To lighten & sweeten the mood of what could be seen as an annoying topic for middle school students to discuss openly, SpeakNicely provided each student with a little bag of pretzel sticks & chocolate rocks, signifying sticks & stones. The students were awesome and their questions incredibly insightful. The sixth, seventh & eighth graders shared stories and asked lots of questions during an open mic session. The students were very open and beautifully well behaved! Hats off to the team at IS-10 for their hard work on behalf of some really lucky & special students.